Depersonalisation: "Moments of feeling disconnected or detached from one's body and thoughts."
"I have this feeling when I feel like I'm here but I'm not here, do you ever get that?"
I explained all this in the video 'Lets Talk: Dealing with Anxiety | What will the future hold?'
I held back a little bit, but this blog post will reveal a little bit more.
How does one explain something they are not quite sure of themselves? How does someone summarise something they are yet to understand?
Rejection. It can really take its toll on a human being. Or so I have learnt.
I've always been the strong one. The back bone. The one that listens to people's worries, but struggles to find a ear truly open to understanding my issues.
"When the deliverer needs deliverance"
*little bit of background* A few years back, during the ages of 13-15, I used to attend a church called 'Mountain of fire and miracle ministries' aka MFM. Notoriously known for their 'die by fire type prayers' but also a miracle centre where people usually obtain life changing results such as deliverance from evil forces and what not, through various prayer programs.
I stumbled across this book, with this highly gripping title. I really didn't understand the meaning until of recent. I sat back and analysed the situation I found myself in. Imagine you had to get from A to B. In between A and B lies a door. This is the only route, might I emphasise. So imagine all these plans were made. The subject in this scenario is following these plans. They are optimistic. They are trusting that the universe is on their side.
On getting to the door. They open it, hoping to enter. On putting their first foot in, there is some sort of blockage. They get pushed back and fall. They try again after regaining their energy. Once again, they get pushed back, and fall.
What is this blockage?
They try and shine some light on it.
They see a big fat No. Standing in the way. B can no longer even be seen.
So what now?
Go back after all of the preparations and follow through?
The subject is lost. The subject does not know how to feel. In fact, the subject loses all feeling. They become numb from the world. They become depersonalised.
This is what I was going through. I developed a weird case of anxiety. The silent kind. The one you keep to yourself - and it keeps growing, and growing.
"When the deliverer needs deliverance." As an aspiring Media personality, I take to YouTube to discuss real issues regarding life. I was offering advice to many but was unable to find an advisor for myself. I'm not saying I was this religious leader who was able to rid people of their demons and what not. But I had moments where I just cried and cried. I wondered who would deliver me?
Then I recovered. In the most unexpected way, and at the most unexpected time.
The incident.
A trip to an hospital really put things into perspective for me.
The hospital has people who are in simple terms, close to death but remain hopeful about life - they hold on to the fact that they are alive.
I thought to myself. But I have more than just life....
I have family, I have friends, I have achieved so much, and even though life may be shaky right now, I have experienced good times.
So why don't I hold on to that?
I realised, I had been spending so much time worrying about the future, and rather than it keeping me focused. It made me lose my way. It made me stop enjoying and appreciating the present.
And now I have this feeling.
I have this feeling that it will all work out.
Perhaps not by my plans, perhaps not the way I had envisioned it.
But it will work out.
Personally, I choose to be happy.
Thank you for reading.
Peace & Chunks
Xx
